It’s been a hard week and I was already in touch with my rage and aware that I was stuffing my anger down with food. The universe had appointed a time and place to do some more healing work and it was now. I was triggered by something someone else said in an safe space. My throat got tight my chest tightened as well and my throat began a slow burn, it was old rage trying to physically make its way up and out of me. It was powerful like I was breathing scorching fire from the inside out. A snake of fire crawling up and out of my belly. Simotanously warm tears were escaping out of the sides of my eyes. I tried to breath into it, be with it, the burn kept going on and on. I was present and released this toxic emotional fire for a while… I couldn’t believe how long I was able to stay with it. I had been running from this all my life not wanting to feel these things trapped inside. It was to be avoided at all costs; even if it meant complete self destruction. My protection mechanism was still working to protect me from ancient wounds. The pain I had refused to face my entire life took me over and said its time we part ways and the universe knew I was finally ready to allow deep breathing and presence to heal those old wounds.
The rage had flared up and I was looking at boundaries as they are connected to anger but it was control I uncovered when I looked deeper down there.This emotional unraveling started with the trigger then the release then the resistance and residual set back in. It keep coming and I couldn’t be there and release any more after the initial release. The ability to breathe into it and let go had stopped but the feelings continued swirling and trying to escape like smoldering flames, a fire left to slowly burn it's self out. It was more like fuck this shit. This rage felt like a three day volcano eruption, I couldn’t take it any more nor was I ready to release anymore. I was very aware that I was shoveling food down my throat now to stop feeling to to burry how I was feeling. I couldn’t stop my self and breathe or practice gratitude or self love or any one of the millions of things I am trained in and know how to do. I got to a point where I resisted and said a big fat NO! to releasing anymore. Some kind of emotional release door slammed shut. I was not really in control of this release this saying no the breathing into it or anything else I was just a witness held captive to the experience. It was to painful and the addict in me kicked in and her job is to protect me and stop pain at all costs. She was back hard at work and unstoppable trying to keep it all it all inside, safer that way but its very and painful small living. Theres not much room for anything else inside when thats taking up so much space and energy.
When I can't take feeling anymore I numb myself with food. Alcohol is to dangerous and damaging go to to food is my drug of choice when I want to literally stuff the feelings deep back down into my physical body when I am not ready to allow grace to help me release them. I started to notice that I had specific foods that I choose salty and crunchy for me please. I know theres many of you who have a love affair with chocolate and of course it replicates and activates the feelings of when were in love a dopamine fix shall we say. Nope, not me my medicine of choice is crunchy salty hot. Having a looK at our emotional eating the emotion were stuffing or avoiding and helps us get more in touch with the emotion we might be avoiding. The kinds of food you crave indicate what's going on internally and can serve as a good guide to help you uncover the roots of emotional eating. Think about the personalities of the foods you are drawn to in the whirlwind of emotions: is eating sugar an attempt to feel sweeter or more energized? Are you drawn to crunchy, spicy foods when angry and upset? Do you reach for chocolate when you want more passion, or nuts when you need grounding? Love yourself no matter what and keep up the healthy habits were humans and that means practice not perfection.check out more on my website and blog breathworkmedicine.com
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